I have temper issues

I've been much better lately. I've been trying for Elizabeth, really. But sometimes things happen.

And today, what has happened is that a lovely commenter by the name of Artsyom came onto to my blog, threatened my granddaughter, threatened someone I'm fairly fond of, and attempted to prove just how much cooler he was than me. Which naturally hit me in my ego.

I've missed my ego. I haven't really had it since my husband died.  It was a strange way to get it back, I suppose. But that is life sometimes.

I haven't lied on this blog. In fact I've been so transparent I'm surprised that everyone who reads this hasn't figured it out. But the longer it goes on, the more it feels like a deception. The more I realize I'm hiding from myself.

I admit, I like having people support me for once. It was a good run. But I could change every single aspect of myself, and I would still be me. So I need to stop running from it.

My name is David Banks.

The Loneliest Time of the Year

Grandpa has the mopes again. I don't blame him. I'm not even old enough to date, really, but this time of year still sucks. There's plenty of people I miss, so I can't even imagine what poor Grandpa must be going through. Or anyone else that's lost a spouse or a girlfriend or a boyfriend or whatever.

Valentines day sucks. Even super cheap candy isn't really enough to redeem it. Grandpa's miserable, Ryan's still checked out, and I can't really do much to fix any of this. Hugs from your granddaughter can only fix so much. Screw the stupid hallmark holiday for making people feel bad for not having someone.

Recovering

We're all still alive, more or less. Ryan is still... well, not exactly all here, but we're all still breathing. Grandpa and I are working together to deal with him, he's not actively hostile, just kind of hard to work with. He'll react to simple commands and do things like feeding himself and going to the bathroom, but most of the time anything more than that is completely beyond him. Grandpa's taking it hard, and neither one of us have been particularly in the mood to talk to people, much less tell the world exactly how poorly we're doing. I wish there were more to report, but honestly the whole thing is both depressing and dull, and other than whatever Grandpa gets up to in his spare time, I think the most exciting thing happening here is my learning French, which should give you an excellent idea of just how dull things are.

Apparently having a proxy name him a sage was enough to stir us both up. I know he said he doesn't think he's sage material, but he's a lot smarter than he gives himself credit for, and I'm pretty sure he could contribute some useful knowledge. He doesn't know everything, or even most things, but he probably knows a lot more than most runners, and he's pretty good at figuring stuff out. Plus, he has me around to help, which doesn't hurt either.

So apparently I'm a sage now

Because a proxy is a credible source.

It's rather irritating, actually. I was dealing with my problems one lousy step at a time until I started getting notifications about how Fracture started commenting all over my blog. I don't even know how that happened. I think Elizabeth might have set it up. And then he made that post. And now I am going to have people debating about whether or not I'm Sage material for who knows how long.

I'm not, by the way. In case anybody was suffering from any delusions.

And here I am back writing. Which is irritating, because I've discovered that it is very difficult to have a blog and not descend into diary mode. And I am really not interested in that. Though I imagine you all are.

You know, I've heard some people talk of writing as a compulsion. As some sort of side effect of His hold on you. But I don't believe that is it. People are social creatures. It is what they do. And when something terrifying and unique happens, they seek out ways to find that they are not alone. And that is what the blogs do. The Compulsion is nothing mystical. The Compulsion is other people.

And it seems that even I am not immune to it.

Well, this is embarrassing

I apologize for that last post. And any emotions it caused anyone one way or another. It was a false alarm. Sort of. Well, it was a false alarm in the way that I didn't kill anyone.

Though I probably should have.

Ryan's been getting gradually more and more withdrawn. He doesn't tell me of course, but I can tell that sometimes he doesn't know how he got one place or another. He's losing time at an increasing rate. There's only one thing that could have happened when he was alone with the slender man. And there's only one way to stop it.

I tried to yesterday of course. But this weird new thing called a conscience stopped me at the last minute. So this tells me a few things about myself and my situation. Mostly that I have changed.

Into a fucking pussy.

Of course He would find a way to make me feel like crap about myself regardless which way I chose.

So here I am, with a man whose soul is being sucked out sitting in my back seat.

And as smart as it would be, I just cannot let him die.

So, I suppose this is a good time to ask for suggestions.

He's testing me

And He knows I'm going to fail.

I've been running for some reason. Not sure why. I never used to do that. But the truth is there. And I run from it.

I don't want to kill him.

But I know I will.

Maybe I should give up. Take my punishment and put the leash back on.

It's all I've ever been good at.

Everyone knows it. Everyone says it.

An old dog can't learn new tricks.

All I wanted was something for myself.

Something only I created.

Something mine.

But He has to take that of course.

The one thing I didn't give Him.

Though perhaps this is a gift.

I know now.

No more pretending, no more flitting about thinking I can make something new out of my existence.

I was confronted with my baser nature.

And it will win.

I don't want it to, but it will.

And I will have new nightmares. Nightmares about the light I could have protected.

But crushed to save my own skin.

I don't want to kill him.

Except I do.

I really do.

And I have to.

Hello

Azrael hasn't posted in a while and he seems to want to avoid having to talk about recent events, so I guess for now posting duty will be taken over by me. Hi, I'm Elizabeth. Azrael is my grandfather. It's nice to meet you all!

The reason we've been so quiet is because we were attacked. We stopped at a gas station in between cities to refuel, which is par for the course travelling around as much as we have. Grandpa went to pump the gas, I went inside to pick out snacks, and Ryan went around back to the bathroom. Everything seemed normal, until it wasn't. The cashier grabbed me, the manager attacked Grandpa, and Ryan... well, he got the worst of it. Grandpa took down the manager, I managed to pull my gun and get into a standoff with the cashier, and Ryan got locked into the bathroom. It was a pretty good trap, I'll admit, especially since it's clear that the aim wasn't to kill us, just to get us out of the way so that the Slender Man could go after Ryan without us interfering.

Now, Ryan up until that point didn't know anything about the Slender Man. He'd been investigating the disappearances, the deaths, the mysterious fires, but he hadn't yet figured out what was behind all of it, which is why he found Grandpa-he'd figured out Grandpa was involved. But we hadn't told him about what was really causing all that yet, so his first exposure to him was getting beat down by him in a filthy gas station bathroom. Needless to say, he's in bad shape-or at least he was.

Interestingly. Ryan went panicked and nonverbal immediately afterward, and we grabbed him and started fleeing to somewhere safe where he could heal up and deal with things. But partway through the trip, he snapped out of it and has completely forgotten about the whole thing! He still has no idea about Slender Man or about what happened-he remembered getting locked in, then being in the car with us!

We're still taking refuge somewhere safe to let him heal up and try to figure out what the heck happened back there.