Travelling can be difficult

Especially when you are travelling with two people who hate each other.

I thought that the fact I was travelling with a child would be the main thing to slow me down, but petty arguments seem to be what's really stopping everything. One day we'll all be so loud we won't hear the knives enter our backs.

It's times like this that I feel lost. I have always considered myself a pretty centered person, but that was probably because I always had an order to follow. Some outside force holding me together. Right now not only am I without guidance, but I am expected to be that force for others. And all I want to do is go back.

Which I won't. You can put your sword down. But it is very tempting sometimes.

Is it weird that I prefer screaming over yelling?

Elizabeth hates me at the moment

And she hates Ryan at any moment.

And Ryan hates her.

There is very little love going on around here.

Also I feel like I've broken my 'no diary' rule. Which I am going to try and keep to. But there are some things that once the door is open can't be stopped. Let's hope nothing embarrassing and/or deadly comes out here. That would be really stupid.

I've been having nightmares

Not that I'm not used to nightmares. They've always been far more common than dreams for me. But there was a point of time when they weren't that bad. I didn't think much of it back then of course. But now I wonder.

It's possible that he was holding the dreams back. It makes a certain sort of sense. I would be more used to him if I got a full night's sleep.

Of course now that I've left, I am afforded no such luxuries. He has been sending me terrors instead of sparing me from them. It's a rather sound military tactic.

I think it's working.

Ryan makes Elizabeth sleep as far as possible from me. He knows that if she hears me screaming she'll want to help, and her getting no sleep helps none of us.

I still hardly like him, but I owe him that much.

We need to get moving again, but I am in no shape to travel.

I hate being the one who slows us down.

There have been many questions asked

and I've answered very few of them. I feel like that is cause for an apology, but the truth is I'm not all that sorry about it. My secrets are my own, and I don't feel obligated to share them with strangers.

Of course, that leads you to not trusting me. Which ends up defeating this particular exercise. Now I don't need implicit trust. I'd find you a moron if you gave it. But a willingness to listen to me in good faith that I mean well is needed.

So, while I am rather firm on not talking much about who I am, I will tell you why I'm here. Enter another theory into fray:

The Light Theory

A lot of people worry about the How. How does the slender man appear and reappear, how do loops work, how can we defeat him. These are all very good questions. But I've always been more interested in the why.

Why does he go after some and not others? There is occasionally a childhood link, but not always. And he certainly doesn't go after every child with this sort of obsessive attitude. So what is it that makes those in this world so attractive to him?

My theory is that he goes after people who could make a difference.

Elizabeth for instance. She is one of the most remarkable people I've met. When I look at her, I can see everything she could in the future. All of the things she could do to make the world better. I imagine that's why he goes after them young. They are so full of potential then. So full of light.

Perhaps you've noticed how resourceful runners are. Or intelligent or just so stubborn that it's a bit worthy of awe. You are the world builders, the peacemakers.

And the slender man is hunting you down one by one.

The insanity loss, the deaths, the constant running from psychotics who may or may not have been just like you at one point. It's a way to wear you down. To dull your light.

And that is why I am here. To slow down the decay of those that could benefit the world. The unofficial guardian of hope and potential. I don't particularly believe I am the best person for the job, but it's something to do. A way to help.

And who knows, maybe if I do this I'll get my own light back.

Finished travelling

There was an attack, but we are all alive luckily. Even Ryan, who I am surprised has lasted even this long. He claims to have a history of having the shit kicked out of him. 

If he's always had the same lack of foresight and impulse control that he's shown me, I can see why.

But things have calmed down, for the moment. It's only for the moment of course. Things always have a tendency to get worse.

Then better.

Then worse again.

Really I'm just trying to keep everyone safe. What I myself am doing here is something I'm not as sure about. I used to know, but the constant death begins to wear on me. 

Of course, I've said it before and I'll say it again. This isn't a diary.

On a side note, I've discovered Jonathan Coulton. 

I have a problem

I keep taking in strays.

You would think that after all of the disasters that have happened as a direct result of helping some poor lost soul would stop me by now, but no. Even as tired and burned out as I am right now, I find a way to get myself in an even worse situation.

The man who was following me, his name is Ryan. He's a reporter or a private detective or something like that. Probably should have paid more attention. The basic point is that he is looking in to a series of kidnappings and has somehow gotten it into his head that following me around will help him find out what's going on.

In short, he's an idiot.

But I have a soft spot for idiots apparently.

So he has no idea what he's walking in to. And I am not nice enough to turn him away. So he's following us around, adding another mouth to feed, and when He inevitably comes, no doubt he'll turn into a highly liable blubbering moron.

Seriously. I need to stop doing this.

False alarm?

Although I'm not sure if that's what I should call it. It wasn't an actual false alarm. Just an alarm for a totally different reason than expected. It was like if you open the door expecting to find a serial killer and instead there's a tax man.

The odd looks at the fast food joint led to me being followed. They were competent enough. If I hadn't been me I might not have noticed him. But I did.

Just like I noticed him the first time.

A while back, the same man was following me. Funny thing is as far as I can tell, he's Uninitiated. Just a stupid civilian who doesn't know what he's getting into. I thought I had scared him off.

Turns out he's more of an idiot than I thought.

Elizabeth's asleep right now, so I think I'll go pay him a visit.