Monday, August 12, 2013

He's testing me

And He knows I'm going to fail.

I've been running for some reason. Not sure why. I never used to do that. But the truth is there. And I run from it.

I don't want to kill him.

But I know I will.

Maybe I should give up. Take my punishment and put the leash back on.

It's all I've ever been good at.

Everyone knows it. Everyone says it.

An old dog can't learn new tricks.

All I wanted was something for myself.

Something only I created.

Something mine.

But He has to take that of course.

The one thing I didn't give Him.

Though perhaps this is a gift.

I know now.

No more pretending, no more flitting about thinking I can make something new out of my existence.

I was confronted with my baser nature.

And it will win.

I don't want it to, but it will.

And I will have new nightmares. Nightmares about the light I could have protected.

But crushed to save my own skin.

I don't want to kill him.

Except I do.

I really do.

And I have to.


17 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. So? Did I SAY I was trying to be helpful?

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    2. Azrael is my friend. So sorry if that, and this, comes off as harsh. But not all of us have powers and stuff. Us normal people have higher stakes and more risks. Writing someone off as proxy doesn't bring hope to any of those people.

      But if I can appeal instead to cold hard logic: I know Azrael's identity. I know what he is capable of. I wish I didn't, but I do. You'll be fine; you'll live. But I will be a goner.

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    3. Even back then, the only thing that motivated you to do good beyond saving yourself was saving yourself.

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    4. I think we already established I'm a shitty person; you can let it go now.

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    5. Selfishness is a crime few aren't guilty of. We aren't born evil. But we are born greedy, selfish, and spiteful.

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  2. "Everyone knows it. Everyone says it"? Fuck you, I never said it, and to this hour I don't believe it for a goddamn fucking second.

    "Azrael".

    I really want to call you by your actual name, to be honest, because you aren't Azrael. You're the same person you were before, but you decided to better yourself. So stop separating one from the other, because goddamn such an achievement needs to be recognised by yourself, not just me.

    "Azrael". Maybe you didn't realise this, but when I call you that, I'm not referring to this new nice identity. It's a translation to me. How hard is it to see personality as a product of our behaviour?

    You have so much to stay in for. You give me hope. You remind me I can forgive people for the things they've done. If someone who was like you can change for the better, maybe I can too.

    And if you did turn, we would be put against each other. You know and I know, that your Master is truly that sadistic. You know and I know, that you would win and I would suffer.

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  3. Ohhhhhh, honey! You know, this whole 'path of light' thing seems to really be troubling you. and I can see why! It's just not BECOMING, darling, truly it's not! You ought to let yourself be that same old, beautiful thing of destruction I once knew.....c'mon, whaddaya say? For old time's sake~???

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  4. I will be watching. This gets more and more interesting. -- Jack

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  5. Is this the reason? Because its hard? Because you're weak? Because you're a filthy fucking animal with no will of your own and one true master?

    Is that all I needed to say? Promises of protection for loved were obviously meaningless. Who wants that right? Offers of counseling were clearly worthless. Why would you seek professional help in our situation? Promises of revenge, apparently also worthless. Because you wanted to be better than an animal.

    But I guess I should have pushed that one harder. I can see now all you wanted was a little verbal abuse. Maybe a bitch slap to smack you out of it. Is that all the reason you needed? Was a little demon screaming in your ear that you're weak?

    You know I didn't try to stop you at first when we last met. I tried because you wanted me to try but at first I was happy to see you go. Sure I really did actually try when I realized who you had with you but before my personal wants came into play, I was happy to see you leave.

    You needed to leave. You deserved to leave. You'd earned it. You'd lost so much so fast I didn't want to stop you. Because I knew you'd come back eventually. You just needed a sabbatical. I didn't really put any effort into trying until I realized you had Elizabeth with you.

    I might have tried to physically stop you had I realized you were running off with her to play sage.

    Your weak fucking behavior is undeserving of Elizabeth, of that title, and of the position you enjoyed as a proxy.

    You asked me for a reason to serve. If you plan on coming back, I want to hear what reason you found.

    But don't stop til you find what you're looking for in the woods, sage. Be it the light, a monster,... or a mask. Don't stop until you find that reason.

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    Replies
    1. Leave him alone. Whatever you think you're doing, abusing him is not going to help right now.

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    2. Hmmm.... I'd have to say I think that I'm not abusing him.

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    3. I appreciate your intentions, but harsh words meant well are still harsh words.

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    4. I would contest that its a happy blend of things.

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