Well, this is embarrassing

I apologize for that last post. And any emotions it caused anyone one way or another. It was a false alarm. Sort of. Well, it was a false alarm in the way that I didn't kill anyone.

Though I probably should have.

Ryan's been getting gradually more and more withdrawn. He doesn't tell me of course, but I can tell that sometimes he doesn't know how he got one place or another. He's losing time at an increasing rate. There's only one thing that could have happened when he was alone with the slender man. And there's only one way to stop it.

I tried to yesterday of course. But this weird new thing called a conscience stopped me at the last minute. So this tells me a few things about myself and my situation. Mostly that I have changed.

Into a fucking pussy.

Of course He would find a way to make me feel like crap about myself regardless which way I chose.

So here I am, with a man whose soul is being sucked out sitting in my back seat.

And as smart as it would be, I just cannot let him die.

So, I suppose this is a good time to ask for suggestions.

He's testing me

And He knows I'm going to fail.

I've been running for some reason. Not sure why. I never used to do that. But the truth is there. And I run from it.

I don't want to kill him.

But I know I will.

Maybe I should give up. Take my punishment and put the leash back on.

It's all I've ever been good at.

Everyone knows it. Everyone says it.

An old dog can't learn new tricks.

All I wanted was something for myself.

Something only I created.

Something mine.

But He has to take that of course.

The one thing I didn't give Him.

Though perhaps this is a gift.

I know now.

No more pretending, no more flitting about thinking I can make something new out of my existence.

I was confronted with my baser nature.

And it will win.

I don't want it to, but it will.

And I will have new nightmares. Nightmares about the light I could have protected.

But crushed to save my own skin.

I don't want to kill him.

Except I do.

I really do.

And I have to.

Hello

Azrael hasn't posted in a while and he seems to want to avoid having to talk about recent events, so I guess for now posting duty will be taken over by me. Hi, I'm Elizabeth. Azrael is my grandfather. It's nice to meet you all!

The reason we've been so quiet is because we were attacked. We stopped at a gas station in between cities to refuel, which is par for the course travelling around as much as we have. Grandpa went to pump the gas, I went inside to pick out snacks, and Ryan went around back to the bathroom. Everything seemed normal, until it wasn't. The cashier grabbed me, the manager attacked Grandpa, and Ryan... well, he got the worst of it. Grandpa took down the manager, I managed to pull my gun and get into a standoff with the cashier, and Ryan got locked into the bathroom. It was a pretty good trap, I'll admit, especially since it's clear that the aim wasn't to kill us, just to get us out of the way so that the Slender Man could go after Ryan without us interfering.

Now, Ryan up until that point didn't know anything about the Slender Man. He'd been investigating the disappearances, the deaths, the mysterious fires, but he hadn't yet figured out what was behind all of it, which is why he found Grandpa-he'd figured out Grandpa was involved. But we hadn't told him about what was really causing all that yet, so his first exposure to him was getting beat down by him in a filthy gas station bathroom. Needless to say, he's in bad shape-or at least he was.

Interestingly. Ryan went panicked and nonverbal immediately afterward, and we grabbed him and started fleeing to somewhere safe where he could heal up and deal with things. But partway through the trip, he snapped out of it and has completely forgotten about the whole thing! He still has no idea about Slender Man or about what happened-he remembered getting locked in, then being in the car with us!

We're still taking refuge somewhere safe to let him heal up and try to figure out what the heck happened back there.

You guys have terrible priorities

Seriously. I gave you a perfectly good guy to sympathize with and worry over and talk about. What do you focus on instead? Who I am.

Or more accurately who I was.

You guys make moving on very difficult.

And you completely ignored the man who could be needing your help very soon.

I am not really sure how I know, but something's coming.

The three of us have been lucky so far. Clear skies, minimal damage. I knew it wouldn't last long. And I feel like our time is up.

Most of the time I think I'd find the guessing amusing. I imagine I'd be dropping hints by now.

But I'm not going to do something for you if you don't do something for me.

I'm not saying don't be curious.  But I'm travelling with two other people. Two people who don't deserve this.

Be curious about them.

Because I might not be enough for what's coming.

I have been busy

Believe it or not I do have a life outside of telling everybody what I'm doing. And no, I am not going to tell you what I have been doing. I am entitled to my own personal life.

Instead I'm going to tell you about what Ryan's been doing. Because his personal life is more interesting anyway.

He laughed when I showed him this blog. This seems to be a common reaction. Elizabeth laughed too. He also said that it was confusing and started in the middle and I don't take time to explain things.

Because apparently a man with a fifth grade education level is expected to be churning out high quality literature.

But it's possible he's right. So let's clarify, shall we? I am an ex proxy currently running around with a small child and a nosy idiotic reporter on a self-proclaimed mission to preserve the light of the world.

I'm also a little grumpy today.

So, let's talk about Ryan. Ryan is a far more interesting story. Or at the very least one I'm more willing to talk a bit.

I've mentioned that I met him once before he started travelling with us. We were in Germany, and he followed us there too. Of course, when I asked him about anything a proxy would be passingly familiar with, he just gave me a blank stare. I scared him off and didn't really think much of it.

But the second time around, I admit I got curious. So would you if a guy showed up out of nowhere and asked you invasive questions. He has opened up to me a little bit. So I'm going to keep that trust by showing it to strangers over the internet.

No, I really am doing him a favor. One day I might explain it.

From what I can tell, Ryan's life was rather unremarkable up until five or so years ago. not even unremarkable, really good. He was the eldest son of two loving parents, and a grandmother he never shuts up about. He was upper middle class, went to a nice high school, got into a nice college, and got into journalism because he was talented and he found it fairly enjoyable. A happy, sheltered existence.

He probably would have continued like this if he hadn't befriended a person who he later found out to be a reluctant member of a mob. This person began to tell Ryan some rather important secrets, and through him and some good old fashioned investigating Ryan both did a lot of good and furthered his career.

That is of course until the mob boss he was hurting dropped by during one of Ryan's lunches with his informant.

What happens next is stupid. Yet I can't really blame him for it. He was a priveleged, young, brilliant man who was still riding the high of his first big success. That sort of thing can lead even the best to mistakes. So instead of being even the slightest bit careful, Ryan told one of the most dangerous men in New York four of the most dangerous words in the world.

'You don't own me.'

Those in this life get used to a lot of things. Most probably can't even remember their first beating. But I want you to try. Remember the shock, the pain. But most of all remember the fear.

Because that day, Ryan experienced true fear for the first time.

It lasted for a while. For years Ryan did anything the crime lord asked. Even situations that landed him in bigger beatings than the first one. But fear is a powerful thing, and it kept him in line. It ensured that those four words he had uttered in naive confidence were a lie.

It might have gone on that way forever. Except one day he was asked to watch over the mob boss' girlfriend while he went on business. And she didn't manage to completely hide her bruises.

That's the type of person Ryan is I suppose. He can deal with a lot of injustices towards himself. But seeing others hurt bothers him. And seeing them hurt by someone who is supposed to care about them, well he finds that unforgivable.

The fear was gone. And he broke it off. Vowed that he would stop at nothing to make sure that the mob boss paid for all of his crimes.

Investigating some drug trafficking led him to Germany. Which led him to me. Well, Elizabeth. When your whole family goes missing suddenly news channels tend to report it. And so he began to follow us.

 And that led him to where we are now.

Travelling can be difficult

Especially when you are travelling with two people who hate each other.

I thought that the fact I was travelling with a child would be the main thing to slow me down, but petty arguments seem to be what's really stopping everything. One day we'll all be so loud we won't hear the knives enter our backs.

It's times like this that I feel lost. I have always considered myself a pretty centered person, but that was probably because I always had an order to follow. Some outside force holding me together. Right now not only am I without guidance, but I am expected to be that force for others. And all I want to do is go back.

Which I won't. You can put your sword down. But it is very tempting sometimes.

Is it weird that I prefer screaming over yelling?

Elizabeth hates me at the moment

And she hates Ryan at any moment.

And Ryan hates her.

There is very little love going on around here.

Also I feel like I've broken my 'no diary' rule. Which I am going to try and keep to. But there are some things that once the door is open can't be stopped. Let's hope nothing embarrassing and/or deadly comes out here. That would be really stupid.

I've been having nightmares

Not that I'm not used to nightmares. They've always been far more common than dreams for me. But there was a point of time when they weren't that bad. I didn't think much of it back then of course. But now I wonder.

It's possible that he was holding the dreams back. It makes a certain sort of sense. I would be more used to him if I got a full night's sleep.

Of course now that I've left, I am afforded no such luxuries. He has been sending me terrors instead of sparing me from them. It's a rather sound military tactic.

I think it's working.

Ryan makes Elizabeth sleep as far as possible from me. He knows that if she hears me screaming she'll want to help, and her getting no sleep helps none of us.

I still hardly like him, but I owe him that much.

We need to get moving again, but I am in no shape to travel.

I hate being the one who slows us down.

There have been many questions asked

and I've answered very few of them. I feel like that is cause for an apology, but the truth is I'm not all that sorry about it. My secrets are my own, and I don't feel obligated to share them with strangers.

Of course, that leads you to not trusting me. Which ends up defeating this particular exercise. Now I don't need implicit trust. I'd find you a moron if you gave it. But a willingness to listen to me in good faith that I mean well is needed.

So, while I am rather firm on not talking much about who I am, I will tell you why I'm here. Enter another theory into fray:

The Light Theory

A lot of people worry about the How. How does the slender man appear and reappear, how do loops work, how can we defeat him. These are all very good questions. But I've always been more interested in the why.

Why does he go after some and not others? There is occasionally a childhood link, but not always. And he certainly doesn't go after every child with this sort of obsessive attitude. So what is it that makes those in this world so attractive to him?

My theory is that he goes after people who could make a difference.

Elizabeth for instance. She is one of the most remarkable people I've met. When I look at her, I can see everything she could in the future. All of the things she could do to make the world better. I imagine that's why he goes after them young. They are so full of potential then. So full of light.

Perhaps you've noticed how resourceful runners are. Or intelligent or just so stubborn that it's a bit worthy of awe. You are the world builders, the peacemakers.

And the slender man is hunting you down one by one.

The insanity loss, the deaths, the constant running from psychotics who may or may not have been just like you at one point. It's a way to wear you down. To dull your light.

And that is why I am here. To slow down the decay of those that could benefit the world. The unofficial guardian of hope and potential. I don't particularly believe I am the best person for the job, but it's something to do. A way to help.

And who knows, maybe if I do this I'll get my own light back.

Finished travelling

There was an attack, but we are all alive luckily. Even Ryan, who I am surprised has lasted even this long. He claims to have a history of having the shit kicked out of him. 

If he's always had the same lack of foresight and impulse control that he's shown me, I can see why.

But things have calmed down, for the moment. It's only for the moment of course. Things always have a tendency to get worse.

Then better.

Then worse again.

Really I'm just trying to keep everyone safe. What I myself am doing here is something I'm not as sure about. I used to know, but the constant death begins to wear on me. 

Of course, I've said it before and I'll say it again. This isn't a diary.

On a side note, I've discovered Jonathan Coulton. 

I have a problem

I keep taking in strays.

You would think that after all of the disasters that have happened as a direct result of helping some poor lost soul would stop me by now, but no. Even as tired and burned out as I am right now, I find a way to get myself in an even worse situation.

The man who was following me, his name is Ryan. He's a reporter or a private detective or something like that. Probably should have paid more attention. The basic point is that he is looking in to a series of kidnappings and has somehow gotten it into his head that following me around will help him find out what's going on.

In short, he's an idiot.

But I have a soft spot for idiots apparently.

So he has no idea what he's walking in to. And I am not nice enough to turn him away. So he's following us around, adding another mouth to feed, and when He inevitably comes, no doubt he'll turn into a highly liable blubbering moron.

Seriously. I need to stop doing this.

False alarm?

Although I'm not sure if that's what I should call it. It wasn't an actual false alarm. Just an alarm for a totally different reason than expected. It was like if you open the door expecting to find a serial killer and instead there's a tax man.

The odd looks at the fast food joint led to me being followed. They were competent enough. If I hadn't been me I might not have noticed him. But I did.

Just like I noticed him the first time.

A while back, the same man was following me. Funny thing is as far as I can tell, he's Uninitiated. Just a stupid civilian who doesn't know what he's getting into. I thought I had scared him off.

Turns out he's more of an idiot than I thought.

Elizabeth's asleep right now, so I think I'll go pay him a visit.

Moving

We've stayed in the same place long enough, it's about time to go elsewhere. So I am currently writing this in the middle of a fast food place while we take a break. We've taken a lot of breaks. I'm used to going faster, but everything has a trade off I guess.

Still, the constant breaks give me a chance to look at the blogs. The girl thinks this new obsession of mine is funny. Someone in the comments mentioned calling her Elizabeth. This is fine with me.

I should go now. Someone in a nearby booth is looking at me oddly. In my type of situation, that's never a good sign.

I hate the internet

So why am I blogging? That is a very good question. Especially since diaries of any sort strike me as useless at best and deadly at worst. Of course, this isn't a diary. I will not put up any private thoughts of any sort here. This is just a place to mark time. To jot down the thoughts and manipulate the masses.

Nothing personal.

I've been running for months now. I'm alive, so that's something. So is the girl. That's all there is to report really.


Perhaps I should get used to my new name.

Hello, I'm Azrael.