Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Bits and Bobs

Before I get into the meat of this post, it occurs to me that I have something I should've said before. Grandpa and I were in disguise mostly because he was trying to hide, but now that he's come out with who he really is, I feel like I should be doing the same. I don't know that Grandpa would approve, but for the moment he's left me in charge of the blog and so I'm the one who has to make these sorts of decisions.

Some of you who are clever have probably figured out my identity, much like how many of you figured out who Grandpa was before he outed himself. Fracture made a note that I was last known to be with Grandpa almost a year ago. You all know Elizabeth is a pseudonym, one that I'm not overly fond of. I would have preferred to call myself Susan, after the Doctor's granddaughter who adventured with him for the first season or so of the First Doctor's run. There's no accounting for other people's proclivities, however, and I ended up with Elizabeth as a false name, and I admit to be a bit relieved to drop it and go back to Emily, my real name.  Back to business, however. I doubt any of you really care that much about who I really am. I doubt anyone even reads the old blogs to know who I am, beyond being David's adopted granddaughter.

After the visit I detailed in my last post, Jessica got a little more creative. Her assistant's post mentions that she's started leaving body parts scattered about, starting very dramatically with a spine left on the doorstep along with a note that looked like it was finger painted with blood that read 'Since you lost yours'. I guess she thought she was being clever or something? It wasn't clever, nor was it particularly potent as an insult. When Grandpa found it, he was mostly just bemused. We moved around a few times, but at this point it hardly seems worth the trouble if she's just going to find us and leave more kidneys or eyeballs or testes on our doorstep. At one point she left an entire head, on which she'd placed a hat that seemed to be made of intestines, but that was about the highlight of the corpse bits.

Unfortunately, her other idea was a bit less comic and a bit more effective. Well, I say effective in the sense that Grandpa was frustrated, less so in trying to actually get him to do what she wanted him to do. She showed up with a boombox blaring Kesha songs one night, probably because she knew that music is always an very effective way of getting Grandpa's attention. Grandpa went out to speak to her, and I listened from the window, since he doesn't like me going out and talking to her. Apparently it was the anniversary of a very important date for the two of them, from back when Grandpa was working for the Mob and still spent time with Jessica. Eighteen years ago that day, they'd

Ugh. I don't like thinking about it, he's my Grandpa. And she's just gross. But in the interest of honest reporting, apparently eighteen years ago Grandpa had been trying really hard to sleep with her. Jess didn't want to, though whether because she wasn't interested, because she wanted to mess with his head, or because it was a Tuesday, I'm not sure. In any event, apparently Jess was the one person in the world he didn't want to rape at the time, so he agreed to give her a kidney for her to eat in exchange for sex. You read that right. He gave up one of his own kidneys because he wanted it that badly.

Despite the dubiousness of that choice, it happened. And Jess reminded him quite gleefully of the anniversary, then told him that if he could stop her from taking the other one by force, she would let him sleep with her again. Grandpa was not interested, presumably because his taste in partners has improved a bit to not include psychotic cannibals. She attacked him anyway, and I was surprised by how good a fighter she was. Grandpa still won, of course, but she did manage to slice him up a fair bit. He refused to sleep with her and told her to just go away, which she actually did after only a bit more protesting.

Afterward, we manged to get him patched up and packed up to leave again. Grandpa's trying to rest up and recover for the moment, and mostly we're just hoping to avoid any further body parts for a while.


  1. Oh god, I love Kesha. Given the nature of the situation, I bet I can guess what song it was. It was Dirty Love, wasn't it? That one's my favourite. (I have such unrefined taste in music, I know.)

    As for the kidney thing... what the bloody hell. It's definitely a good option compared to rape. But on its own... what the faaaack. Why couldn't he just have gone and had a wank?

    1. It was 'Your Love is My Drug', actually. There's nothing quite like a psychotic cannibal dancing to pop songs with random body parts.

      As for the other, I'm trying very hard not to think about it, but you do have a point.

    2. It made sense at the time.

      I guess you just had to be there.

    3. I find it hard to get my head around that.

      Emily is right, it is kind of uncomfortable to talk about for some reason.

    4. My guess is it still makes sense to you now.

      I'd bet someone's soul that if she wasn't a threat to Emily and wasn't hell bent on trying to make you back into something you didn't want to be, that you'd totally hit that again.

      Both then and now.

    5. You think he'd give his other kidney just to smash her back doors in again?

    6. He'd just have to stop her from taking the other one. It doesn't suddenly become the same exact trade both times.

  2. Kidneys aren't even that good.