Monday, March 9, 2015

Ryan isn't like me

He's a good guy. And I respect that. I don't really know when morality became something I considered anything other than a weakness, but here I am.

The truth is, this sort of life warps you. Good takes on an entirely different meaning to the point that even those that go against great evil are only 'good enough'. It is a way to drain Light, I suppose. Create decisions in which there are no clean answers. Watch your enemies damn themselves with their own choices.

It has gotten to the point that I don't even know how to relate to decent people.

I should have seen it coming. Ryan was lucid, and stayed such after we got Em away from Jess. But there was a look in his eye, something just beneath the surface that told me he was thinking of something.

He finally did tell me. He objected to my behavior in rescuing Em. He objected to my use of Maggot as a distraction. He objected to my association with Jess in the first place, and what I did to her bodyguard.

There was a lot of objecting is what I'm getting at.

After a long and arduous conversation, he looked up at me with these big hopeless eyes.

"You're not a good person are you?"

"No. But I'm trying. Doesn't that count for something?"

"Not as much as you'd think."

He stood up then, and grabbed his suitcase. We move so often I didn't even find it strange he had it with him.

He had barely made it out the door before he collapsed.

I went to check on him, and he was gone again. Mind blank, barely breathing.

I guess someone didn't want him to leave.


  1. A soul is judged by the character of it's actions. By the intent behind the choices we make, not the result.

    While the monstrous gods that lord over us judge by different wants, terms, and criteria, take heart in that if you mean well then you have done well. And that's all anyone can ever ask of you.

  2. WHY are you still on this idiotic redemption thing? How FUCKING insulting. Not to me, I just find it sad... But to EVERY single victim you've ever had. Jesus H Christ. If THIS is what you were going to turn into, why did you kill them? Their deaths, their suffering, their humiliations... All for what? So you can suddenly start "trying" now?

    You. Aren't. A. Good. Person. Stop trying to deny it. You can't turn over a new leaf, not after the shit you've done. You are a vicious murderer and rapist, who has caused more suffering, pain and death than even a MONSTER like me. You won't be forgiven. You haven't even changed all that much, if at all. It is pointless. You trying is just pissing over all the graves you've happily filled to get this far in life.

    Embrace your nature, scum. It is only fair, and the one thing you are going to be good at.

    Besides, you know you liked it.

    1. If anything the turn about gives each death purpose.

      Its not a matter of redemption. You can't undo what has been done. Be we cal always do better. We don't justify the killing with more killing. We do it by necessity. We do what we have to do, not what we want and not as we please.

      To survive and serve. For Ryan, for Elaine, for Ronan... or Em. For what little we have left to hold onto in a dark, dying, dreary alliteration fueled world.